Problem: Lying (mostly to our Spouses)

A friend and I had a discussion a while back: we have both experienced of late friends, acquaintances, and even family members lying to their spouses, and are both relatively offended by such behavior.

She related an incident from her own experience. While sitting with a number of women from the women's organization at her church, the topic turned to "how to buy things without your husband being aware." The women discussed their different tactics: put part of the purchase on a credit card, withdraw cash for part of the purchase, and write a check for the balance of the purchase, or even withdraw small amounts of cash over time to "save up" for a very calculated "indiscretion." One woman had recently purchased a very expensive handbag that she'd happened upon in a store window at the mall, and, having set aside small amounts of money over time, opted to buy the unnecessary item then and there on a whim, using her secreted cash and two credit cards to split the purchase balance. She then laughed about how her husband had never noticed, and she'd walked away with a new Coach handbag. Her husband, whose income and hard work allows this woman to stay home with her children, is completely in the dark as to her unreasonable expenditure, for which his direct effort has paid, and further is now the subject of laughter and ridicule at a Christian Women's organization! SHAME ON THOSE WOMEN.

A friend of mine has lied to her husband for years about her children's activities; everything from where they're going and whether or not they came in at the prescribed hour to covering for wrongs they have committed. (Her children are a bit older than mine, obviously.) Their wrongs have run the gamut, but are not necessarily the breaking of laws; instead, they are the bending or breaking of household rules...the defying of family standards and values. The problem with her hiding these things from her husband is threefold: first, she makes her husband look like an idiot and a tyrant to their children. He doesn't know what's going on, and is therefore stupid, or he's such a tyrant that the consequences of his finding out about their foolishness would be so dire that he is not allowed to know, and is instead to be feared. Second, she turns herself into a liar, in need of the protection of her children, and therefore weak, or she becomes to her children more comrade than parent, and is therefore more foolish than her children. Third, she is teaching her children the value of a lie instead of the value of honesty; that the breaking of household rules is perfectly acceptable as long as a) her children are not caught, and b) they can lie well enough to cover up their rule-breaking.

I have sought, in my marriage, to be as open and honest with my husband as possible. Unfortunately, this is not always feasable: "Honey, you can't wear that outfit in public because it looks like it was put together by a blind four year-old." Tact is sometimes preferable to completely honesty, as a bit of diplomacy can be much, much kinder: "Honey, why don't you try the black shirt with the tan slacks instead of the gray? I've always liked the black shirt on you." At the same time, it is trying when one is forced to confess their shortcomings or mistakes: "Honey...I hit a pole in the parking lot today and dented the front fender of the car," or "I burned dinner...again...so we're having pizza...again."

Thankfully, I married well. I do not fear being beaten when I confess that the car has been dented thanks to my idiocy (which, my husband kindly reminds me, is not idiocy...just distraction), nor do I fear verbal abuse when I admit that dinner is once again in the trash instead of on the table. I do not fear injury to my son when I explain to my husband that my 3 year-old had a potty-training accident...again...this time on my husband's side of the bed, or when my son topples a vase given to me by my husband that he was specifically told not to play with and it is smashed to dust. I trust my husband; I love my husband. He treats me and my children like we are the most important people in the world to him...and we are. I would never have married any other sort of man.

And so I am honest with him. I can imagine, referencing the first woman in this rant, that her husband is an equally wonderful man, out supporting a family, excited to come home and spend time with the family he loves enough to slave for...and the second woman, well, I know her husband, and he's one of the best men I've ever met, right behind my husband, Dad, and father-in-law. I am horrified and offended by what she has taught and is teaching her children about their father.

I am certain that this occurs in the realm of men, as well (although Coach handbags are probably not the source of their laughing conversations at their wives' obliviousness). I use women as the example, again, only because that is the realm with which I am most familiar.

So, the problem is that husbands and wives the world over lie to their spouses. We have all done it, or maybe we've just hedged once or twice, but everyone can do better. If you can brace yourselves hard enough to extract the mote, yank it out. I'm sure, reading this, you did what I would do...think of other people who fit this bill. The question is, do you? Do I? Whether or not I like to admit it, I'm not splinter-free.

The solution? First and foremost: reflect. Can you do better? Yes, you personally. And me. We're in this together, remember. Secondly: Can you train yourself to be disgusted by other people's conversations about how to lie to their spouses? Can you teach yourself at least not to take part? Or even, heaven forbid, to change the topic? Or speak up on behalf of your spouse, and on behalf of the spouses unable to be present to defend themselves? Can you share with your friends how sad it makes you that they perpetrate such dishonesty amongst their friends and family members, particularly as it is directed at the person they are supposed to love and protect most completely? I hope you'll be willing, because unless we speak up, unless we each individually do better, and unless we are willing to risk in order to better our world...we won't have that which we seek: a better world.

So take some time to examine your own "honesty percentiles." Shoot for 100% (tact and diplomacy excluded.) And then don't put up with anything less than 100% from those you love most, be it kids, parents, spouses, friends, church members...because it's up to us.

Problem solved,

Mommy

PS...if you don't understand the relation of the photo...it's a "doctored" photo, original included, so we can all see just how easy it is to lie...in all types of relationships and lines of work, media included...