Problem: We aren't as smart as 5th Graders

Jeff Foxworthy's new gameshow premiered this evening, and it is sure to become a hit because it does what we Americans do best: make fun of our shortcomings. But this, my fellow Americans, is not always a positive attribute. Allow me to point out the problem.

Dear Europe,

It's official: the average American can't keep up with a 10 year-old. We don't know anything about our country's history, though we're constantly arguing that we are the best and most forward-thinking around, thanks to our history. We can't construct a proper sentence, to say nothing of our understanding of how that sentence is formed, ie. "What is a pronoun?" -- "Um, uh...I know this one." We are an embarrassment to our predecessors, and whether or not you like to admit it, those of us who are Anglo-Saxons originated primarily from you. But don't worry about us. 20 years from now Sweden will be a super-power and the United States will be a third world country. Just look at our educational system!...but that's another topic.

Dear Mexico,

Don't bother sending us any more illegals. Our educational system is no better than yours, and our adults can't keep up with your 10 year-olds, either. You'll have a better life if you stick it out down there, because we'll be trailing you by 2030.

Dear Japan,

No need to write you a letter. As evidenced by Mr. Foxworthy's show, you haven't had anything to worry about since, what, 1945? While we were busy having our elite send people to the moon, you were busy having your elite drive your youth to excel, and now they have obviously surpassed us to a point that has you so far beyond us, we cannot even comprehend it; if we could, we'd be too embarrassed to fly the flag...not that anyone knows what the stars and stripes mean, anyway, unless, of course, you ask a 10 year-old.

So do I really NEED to point out the problem here? Not only are we a bunch of fools so behind in our adult eduction and so unmotivated in its pursuit that our 10 year-olds best us in all things intellectual, we throw it up on our televisions screens for all the world to see just how pathetic we are, and then we LAUGH about it. We laugh hysterically while the rest of the world shakes their heads at our unbelievable stupidity, then nods at its predictability, then shrugs, because they've known all along that America has been happily and obliviously flushing itself down the toilet for years now. And once again, we have the audacity to wonder why so many people worldwide hate Americans. I don't condone their hatred, but when a Swede sees a 40-something American unable to define "pronoun" and they themselves know the meaning of the word in English, you can imagine their frustration at the United States' position in world politics. And honestly, I'm as baffled as they are.

So, here's the solution: (This is a two-parter, so bear with me...)

1. Complain to your network television stations. I love Jeff Foxworthy, don't get me wrong, those rednecks are really funny...but the concept of the show is both insulting and inappropriate, given the relations we currently have with so many other countries. Ask Fox to remove the show from programming.

2. Up your own motivation, and encourage your family and friends to do the same. If we can't keep up with our kids, we're in serious trouble, and if we WON'T keep up with our kids, not only will our country suffer because of us, we're setting such a terrible example that our country will suffer because of our kids, too. You're never too old to learn new tricks, or at least to brush up on old ones. Let your children see your desire to learn and to excel, and Lord willing, it'll trickle down and water the blooms that are our weed-choked children.

Unfortunately, part 2 will take a while and a lot of determination, but there really are no easy fixes, are there? Start with 1, and take 2 to heart. I will.

Problem solved.

Mommy