Problem: Settling in Marriage

Anyone know the divorce rate these days? According to a 2002 Census Bureau report: "About 50% of first marriages for men under age 45 may end in divorce, and between 44 and 52% of women's first marriages may end in divorce for these age groups. The likelihood of a divorce is lowest for men and women age 60, for whom 36% of men and 32% of women may divorce from their first marriage by the end of their lives."

What is the problem here? For some, or for others, or for many or few, reasons for divorce vary: Poor communication, financial problems, lack of commitment to the marriage, dramatic change in priorities, infidelity, financial difficulties, failed expectations or unmet needs, addictions and substance abuse, physical, sexual or emotional abuse, lack of conflict resolution skills...in other words, "marriages fail" because people fail. Perhaps it is "person" that fails; perhaps it is "people." The point is, there is no such thing as a "no-fault" divorce, though recent legislation provides that clause as an out for divorcees these days.

A friend of mine felt very distinctly prior to marrying that she was making a mistake; she went through with it, citing the time, energy, and expense invested in her impending wedding, and a short time later divorced her ne'er-do-well now-husband. From that brief marriage came her amazing and wonderful son, so all was not wasted, but had she listened to herself (or the Holy Spirit or her instincts, whatever one would deem those feelings), her life would have been very different. Another friend married due to pregnancy, and not too long afterward divorced. Again, life would have been drastically different for her had she chosen another path and listened to that which her heart already knew: a baby was not reason enough to shackle oneself with the wrong man. Finally, a friend in college was preparing her for wedding, and I was assisting her in zipping up her wedding gown on the very day, moments before she walked the aisle, when she noted cavalierly, "If this lasted more than a couple years, I'd be shocked." Turned out she was not shocked; a couple years later, they parted ways. I, however, was shocked: she knowingly tied herself to a man that she apparently planned to separate from at a later date. Since when is marriage the same as having a boyfriend? Since when is dissolving a marriage as easy as breaking up?

A note of apology: all of the above examples are of women who made poor decisions. Men also make poor decisions...it just so happens that being a woman and talking with other women, these are the examples I have to provide. But I digress.

We, as human beings, are entitled to the whisperings of the Holy Spirit...or, should you prefer, we have instincts, consciences, a sixth sense. When we feel or we know that something will not work out for us, WE SHOULD NOT DO IT. Forget time and expense invested in wedding plans! Forget the honeymoon plans! Pack away the dress, return the tux, burn the invitations! Raise the child on your own...put it up for adoption...make visitation or joint custody arrangements now, but don't get married if you know, deep down, it won't work! And please, please, please...above all, NEVER SETTLE. Living a life surrounded by good friends or extended family is FAR better than the pain that comes from loving and quitting or loving and being abandoned, from being stuck with someone you don't love or who doesn't love you. It's also far better than the pain that comes to children whose parents cannot get along, who unwittingly torture their children with their cold bitterness and bickering.

There are, of course, those who approach marriage with the right idea, feeling that everything will work out beautifully, confident in their impending union, and for some reason or another, the marriage ends in divorce. They did their best. But to enter into a marriage with the feeling -- even an inkling -- that things will not work out? That eventually the marriage will dissolve? Denying one's own instincts is not doing their best...for themselves, or anyone else.

Getting married? Having second thoughts? Unless you're just generally afraid of commitment or have extenuating circumstances that impede your ability to love/trust/feel comfortable engaging in a long-term union, perhaps you really should rethink your decision. Have a friend who announces minutes before they are to be married that "this won't last long"? SMACK THEM UPSIDE THE HEAD. I wish I had. She really did some damage to the man she married, and I feel rather at fault for that. I don't feel sorry for her...but I sure do for him.

As my father would say, "To thine own self be true." Problem solved.

Mommy